


Again

by Deepspacesexual



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Original Series, M/M, Poetry, Space Husbands, Star Trek - Freeform, Star Trek: AOS, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 16:56:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1435879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deepspacesexual/pseuds/Deepspacesexual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How many times must I die to see you shine?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Again

The first time I meet you is screaming.  
That is all there is; that is all we are.  
Our hands touch as you vacate our space  
and our thoughts scatter into a million separate constellations,  
pulling us apart as you become human. 

"It hurts to become,"  
and your absence is a bruise on my soul;  
a wound I will always feel. 

Are you even in the room when I am born? 

My eyes open and my first inhalation of air  
is released with a cry for a need I cannot place.  
All is quiet and the room is so small. 

Did you cry when you left our home, too?

I know something is wrong.  
The nurses explain to our mother  
that you are not breathing properly  
and that they are trying to save you.  
But my brother, 

why?

I am asleep,  
but I become immediately aware of a door  
being quietly closed and  
an overwhelming sorrow settling in.  
Mother's emotions drown me in a pain  
I am too small to truly comprehend,  
but the bruise becomes a scar  
and I am lost. 

All I know is that now when I do cry, 

I will do so alone. 

 

•••

 

The fifth time I meet you is laughing.  
I find this time to be easier than the last,  
specifically since we both seem to be  
around twenty five years old  
and I do not see a chance  
of you dying  
right here in this coffee shop. 

Your smile is a sun which I cannot ignore,  
its gravity pulling me in closer and closer,

closer and closer,

until even Mercury himself would be jealous of my proximity  
to the most beautiful piece of art in this solar system. 

I feel the deep seated bereavement I have kept in the closet of my mind  
just asking to be let free,  
yet one could beg the question,

how do you feel the death of someone you have never met?

Yet I have met you before.  
I can feel in every decision I make  
that I am in a natural progression of events  
that will inevitably bring me to you,  
whoever you may be,  
in any lifetime that you may lead.  
Whether we be brothers or lovers or friends,  
when I think of your being 

\-- not you as you are now in this life,  
but you as you have always been  
and always will be -- 

a word that holds no meaning  
yet every sentiment that I could ever feel for your self  
bubbles to the surface of my thoughts  
and suffocates me,  
pinning me down with unexplainable ideals:

t'hy'la.

Its meaning is lost on me  
yet I only wish to say this word out loud  
with hope that when it graces your ears  
that you will understand  
and respond in kind,

but as you stand up to leave  
your eyes meet mine  
and  
I can feel our souls trying to intertwine  
yet  
your own pupils are simply  
black and blank  
and  
you do not comprehend. 

Your friend beckons you to leave with harsh, irritated words  
and I do not feel that I can stop you. 

Next time I will start with your name.

 

•••

 

I can hear your feet beating against the asphalt  
before I truly know that it is your face that I will see.  
They push you forward with a conviction  
characteristic of your very soul  
and as you come around the corner  
to where I stand  
you pause to find your path;  
your eyes glazing over my form  
against the background of propaganda and graffiti  
before starting again  
in the way from which you came.  


What does this mean?

Something is changing  
in the fabric of our bond.  
After thousands of lifetimes  
in thousands of different bodies  
shared but not shared  
I feel myself reaching the outskirts  
of our connection,  
but I do not know what that entails.

The sun is illuminating your silhouette  
and you remind me of a summer day  
and I bask in your glow  
until I am unable to see you any longer.  


When will I see you again?

 

•••

 

"My name is James Tiberius Kirk."

You stand defiantly amongst the dust clouds,  
the wreckage within the quarry so sudden and powerful  
that it almost drowns out the symphony that is  
you.  
Your pupils are not so much  
black  
and blank  
as they are determined  
and despising all that I am  
and all that I stand for.  
You are so young.

This will not work.

Again.

 

•••

 

I traveled through many lifetimes  
to once more meet you in this one,  
and I cannot help but notice that  
this is the first time I have ever  
lived the same universe twice.

Your eyes are still determined but  
they now shine like diamonds,  
hardened with time and exposure,  
and they cut through me when  
you glance over as I sit.

My body is as different as any  
other time yet now I am not human  
and  
I repulse your diamond eyes  
so you pass over me to speak  
to the girl  
whom you do not  
know  
and leave me to suffer  
in  
the middle.  
Alone.

I cannot breathe.

I act fine.

"Don't you at least want to know my name  
before you completely reject me?"

Your voice is warm with alcohol,  
your typical brashness multiplied with  
borrowed bravado;

Don't you want to know mine?

"It's Jim, Jim Kirk."

Another James,  
Jimmy,  
Jim,  
a name that follows your glow  
as closely as I do.  
I could almost be envious of  
your name  
for you claim this identity in every lifetime  
and wear it like a glove  
upon the hand that I wish to hold.

"Do they not have last names where you're from?"

"Uhura is my last name," she quips,

and you are captured and captivated  
and eventually thrown from the bar  
and I leave because I have already stayed  
too long for this to be our moment.

Goodbye.

 

•••

 

"How the hell did that kid beat your test?"

you grin up at the board members  
and I  
barely  
breathe.

"I do not know."

But I now understand  
what t'hy'la means.

  


•••

 

I have found this life to be most fascinating.

My mouth has a propensity to use  
an excessive amount of words  
to convey simple thoughts  
and my brain  
is capable of completing  
physics equations  
and  
math solutions  
as I keep a precise record of the time  
as I accuse you of immorality  
as I calculate the probability  
of this being the moment  
that we will finally meet.

 

•••

 

"I think you don't like the fact that I beat your test."

You are infuriating

and I love you,

and

 

•••

 

My thoughts are snagged upon  
an old Terran movie quote that reads,  
"Don't go where I cannot follow,"  
and I wish to yell this through the glass  
between us but this body  
refuses to look so broken  
as if nobility in the face of your lover's death  
is a nobility anyone wishes to have.

"Because you are my friend."

t'hy'la 

But not even touch

t'hy'la

Could communicate this

t'hy'la 

and what am I?  
if you do not exist

and what am I  
to do?  
if not follow you  
anywhere that you may go.

My brother,

why?

t'hy'la please

The last time I meet you is screaming.

 

•••

 

Epilogue:

It is extremely easy to believe  
that one day I could lose you  
permanently.

It is easy to believe that one  
day I will be punished  
and continue to breathe  
in a universe without you,  
for how many times can  
a brilliant star exist and expand  
until it loses its light?

But for now  
your being is illuminating  
the entire universe from  
the bridge of our ship  
and you are asking me where  
we should go first  
and my mouth  
is coy but my thoughts  
are collecting themselves  
and our bond is no longer  
broken.

I have found you  
in every lifetime  
of every universe  
and I will continue to find you  
until we are swallowed whole  
by the darkness in which we began.

Our hands swiftly touch when  
I come to stand next to you,  
as if to challenge this darkness  
with a light that cannot be quelled,

and we are together,

And we are home.

**Author's Note:**

> I am more of a poet than a story writer so I decided to write within my means this time. I enjoyed writing this piece immensely, so I hope it touched you as much as it did me.


End file.
